Jail, Locked Up however Finally Set Free
We all have regrets and excuses about how we got into this damn place.There is about 20 guys in this pod. Everyone wants to get out, already if it is to move to prison. The only thing that is interesting is mealtime. It gives us something to do. Our recreation time consists of walking in small circles on a obtain patio. We also look forward to the service cart coming in so we can have something new to look at. Unfortunately, since no one put any money on my account I can’t get anything. Not already notebook paper. But I need to write. So I asked for a few ‘kites’ and a pencil, which is basically a triplicate form to request commissary stuff. So now I can write.
My perception of jail has been changed since I have been here. In many ways these guys are like me. They have jobs and families. They love their kids and want them to be successful. Some have a house and pay their rent on time.Some went to college. Some go to church. They laugh at Jim Carrey. They try to guess the answers on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” We all hate jail, already the regulars hate this place. Some of them compare how bad this one is compared to another one. Some say that jail is much worse than prison because they make it is so damn boring. No books, no newspapers, no laundry, no shampoo, no razor, and 3 channels on the TV. Most guys cannot stand it in here for more than 24 hours. They let in guilt to in any case they did, post thousands of dollars in bail and get he hell out. What a business.
When someone gets on the phone we can’t help but to listen, already though it’s none of our business. It’s sort of entertainment. We had to laugh at a guy on the phone. He was trying to get bail money from his half-hearted girl friend. He was clearly frustrated because she was skeptical and kept asking questions.
He finally yelled at her from the top of his lungs, “GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH!” Followed by a short silence and a meager, “I love you.”
Everyone is disinctive about what we did to get in here. Some are in here for a DUI, petty theft charges, grand theft, drug smuggling, and who knows what. There is a guy in here for bank robbery. Some of these guys have been in and out of here frequently and know each other. I notice that some guys try to earn respect by how much of a bad ass they are. Whoever did the most crime and time has the highest rank. I definitely have the lowest rank of anyone, and I want to keep it that way. But of course, I am going to keep that quiet.
What is wrong with us? We all had a moment of weakness that got us in trouble. Perhaps that weakness went on for many years. We all deserve to be here but hated to get caught. But who doesn’t deserve to be here? We are all capable of doing something incredibly stupid.Who hasn’t bent the rules at some time in their life? At the time, our act didn’t seem like such a bad idea. Maybe lots of people do the same act and never had a problem. already some of these smugglers felt their gamble would payoff. They went into a serious state of denial. Perhaps I am in that same state of mind. The mind can play cruel tricks on us. Who doesn’t excess once in a while? Who doesn’t speed or run a yellow light once in a while? What if one of those times we collide into a pedestrian? nevertheless, we know it’s wrong and however we do it anyway. Why? Because we think we can. We think we are immune from falling into the pit. Really, I am no better than anyone in here and neither is anyone else.
These guys have had hard lives and are retained in the system. They have done stupid things and got caught. Sometimes people just get caught. I have less excuse for being here than they do. I had much more opportunity. I should know better, however I am locked up with them. We all hate this humiliation and want out. It is disgraceful to be treated like an animal. A person feels like ahead of cattle or a caged dog in a kennel. The guards give us absolutely no respect, and why should they? We are disrespectful human beings. We are the bottom feeders of society. Freedom is taken for granted until all freedom is removed.
I look up at the clouds by the ceiling skylight. It is a window to a world that I used to be part of. I don’t think I can remember the last time I noticed how beautiful they are. I can’t wait to see clouds again. I can’t wait to see grass again. I can’t wait to feel a cool breeze. I can’t wait to keep up my kids. I think about how terrible it would be to be in here for years. How does a person survive that? Why does it take being in the darkness of the pit before I see the light in the sky?
Why is this place so disturbing? Every second here is overwhelming loneliness. Alone with no mental stimulation or physical activity causes a sort of madness. There is the crushing weight of failure. The mind is assaulted with confirming reality of rejection and exile. The thick concrete walls become a blaring metaphor to my own hard head. Compassion and patience are now absent and expired from life. I am now numbered with the outcasts, the losers, and the criminals. There is a desperation to blame someone else, to be understood, but no one cares. My main crime is without of money. I become angry at the outside world for their ignorance and abandonment. A card, a visitor, or just a smile would be an answer to prayer. But the humiliation to ask for help from friends is worse than my sentence. I dread the moment of shame when I talk to my kids. I hate the thought of my awkward conversation with my employer. I am not sure which has more punishment-being locked in here or admitting to being in here. My thoughts are consumed in regret and I want to warn the world to stay away from this awful place.
In case you care how I got in here. That is another story. All I can say is watch where you park and don’t give business cards to just anyone.
already by this, I feel a new sense of strength and strength emerging that I did not have a few days ago. Maybe I needed to know what I was made of. I can truly walk by a lot more bull shit than I thought I could. It truly feels good to be growing and changing. I have stepped into a level of life that I never knew before. I found real souls stripped of all the fucking societal masks. These guys are in the lowest pit of life, and in some ways I admire their genuine heart and their courage. There are men in here that would rather be sentenced for years in this hellhole than to rat out someone. Many of these men survive by playing real hardball in life. I respect that. I am glad these guys accept me and talk to me. We are all exactly on the same level in here. We’re all sinners. I hope I don’t fallback into my self-righteous holier than thou arrogant attitude ever again. It’s strange, but I feel like I needed to experience this for some reason in the future. Right now I feel like a cornered wild animal and I am done being pushed around by life.